Welcome to Heartache Central

Posting a lot all of a sudden aren't I? Don't worry... I'm sure it's just a temporary condition. I'll be sure to see a specialist if the symptoms persist.

Last Friday was a nerve-wrecking day for me. Couldn't think straight... Didn't do anything I planned to... The reason was because I was waiting for a call/message. I think this is probably the only time I've kept my handphone so close to me for the entire time. So what was this important call?

It all started when I decided it was time that I let a very special person know how I felt about her. I have had a crush on her since getting to know her for the first time. But I have crushes on everybody... (not yet scientifically proven) so I didn't pay much attention to it. To a large extent, I think it had to do with the admiration I had for her. She was one of the few people that I held (and still do) in high regard, and it's not easy to earn my respect.

I think bit by bit, I was getting to know my feelings for her, but still I wasn't certain. Since then to the present, both of us have been in several relationships. So it was never the 'right time'. As time went by, it became harder and harder to let her know how I felt, because I was afraid what it might do to our friendship.

I attended a training that made me more aware of myself. One of the things that I discovered was that I never gave a chance to what possibilities it might bring because I had so many considerations working against me. When I took a more in-depth look at the 'excuses' I had been using, I realised that although it was a considerable risk, the reasons can all be overcome. The biggest factor for me was our friendship and I didn't give her the credit she deserved; that she considers our friendship important and that she will handle the situation to the best of her ability.

So, at long last, I plucked up my courage (as much as I could muster) and wrote a letter. Yeah, yeah... I'm a lil chicken... paint me yellow... Although I very much wanted to see it through, I wasn't ready to do it face to face. The outcome may have been different if I had actually done it like 'a man' (heh... is that really the manly thing to do? :p). I did think that it would give her more time to consider the situtation. Thinking back though, I think it was probably me rationalising my cowardice. Grr... *smacks self*

Anyhow she got the letter the night before my day of constant anxiety. We finally talked about 24 hours after the 'delivery' of the letter. Each minute till then felt like an eternity. It was as if an immense weight was lifted off my shoulders. The reply I got however, was not in my favour.

So that was what happened. I sometimes feel like saying to myself, 'I told you so...', but I'm not going to. Life always throws a few twists and turns along your way. Can't let them get you down.

Excerpt from a movie: "I love you. I didn't come here to tell you that I can't live without you. I can live without you. I just don't want to." I think that about sums up what I'm feeling right now. And if feeling miserable is what comes with the realisation of the facts are as they are, miserable is how I'll be. I want it to be so.